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Welcome to Egypt: I’ve got Herpes.

Pretty nice lead in huh. Kind of shocking. Kind of embarassing (definitely for the moms and pops and sis.) Kind of makes you wish that you didn’t refer this website to friends, huh. Well folks, it’s better than being the one with the Herps (or at least admitting it.)

To understand why I would post such a personal and degrading matter on my website for the world to see, I will give the main reasons.

First, I want this website to be a pillar of God (sorry too much Islam lately). Well, I at least want it to be a place where you can read something and just from that know it is true. So, when I write in my blog that I just finished climbing Mt. Everest wearing only a speedo and with a pink and green penguin strapped to my back, the only comments that will be spoken is “Man, that Steve sure is a great adventurer”, or “I wonder if that penguin caused any chaffing?”

Second, for those who enjoy my pain and to diagram my journeys through the different outbreaks, Herpes has to be on the list.

Third, when I get back to real life and I start getting discriminated against (for the one year that I took off to Mountain bike and snowboard, I was ready to sue everybody that did me wrong because of discrimination against the unemployed. My friend Jerry will remember that as I wanted to use his company lawyers to do it for me but he said no so I am in litigation at the moment for his discrimination of me because I was unemployed.) This time, all issues irritating me will be due to the discrimination against me because I have Herpes. McDonalds won’t give me a discount because I think I deserve one, “Lawsuit because of discrimination against those with Herpes.” Realtor won’t let me test live in a house for a month “bam, lawsuit.” You get the picture.

Fourth, I am slowly widdling away at the marriageable population of women. Catching Herpes has probably knocked off 12% right off the top. Soon, it will be down to three and look how much easier it will all be, the perfect women, or at least the woman that will be able to survive me.

Okay, down to the story of how this all occurred. I finished Sudan and was chilling my way up Egypt (really, I was chilling as I would only stay at places that had air conditioning). Just around Luxor I started getting these stabbing pains in my lower right side. It wasn’t stomach related because I could eat and drink fine. The output was also no problems. It started as just occassional pains but as I got along it got worse up to the point that it was one continual mass of throbbing pain. I started taking Paracetamol every so often to kill the pain, and towards the end I was up to 1000mg of Paracetamol and 600mg of Ibuprofen every three hours just to make it liveable. Finally, I arrived in Cairo and decided that I had to go to the hospital. I was doing some tourist stuff with an Aussie who was a Physiotherapist and he said straight away that it was probably Appendicitis. Actually, I was pretty happy with that diagnosis as I wasn’t in the sticks somewhere with a bunch of tribal people, and I could finally screw over the insurance company that I have been paying this whole time. I found the best hospital recommended by the guide book as being one of the clean hospitals, and headed over. It was very modern and clean, so that made me ready to pack my bags and get my guts cut out. I was just wondering if they had satellite tv and if they would take some pictures of the operation so I could post them on the blog.

I got checked in and waited for the Doctor. She arrived and it turned out she was about in her late 50’s early 60’s and was one of the instructors as well as a Doctor of Internal Medicine. She asked me some basic questions and I reeled off all the stuff that would definitely signify Appendicitis. She then had me take off my shirt and undo my trousers. She did my blood pressure and did some hand thumping the whole time smiling and looking like she already knew what it was. Even I was actually surprised when I noticed that there were blotches of a rash on my front ribs and then a bunch more on my back. I hadn’t even noticed those. Once she was done with that run through I figured it was check in time and I would get surgery right then and there as I had waited so long. She then brought out her prescription pad and started writing. Hell no, she wasn’t going to blow me off with the old take two pills and call me in the morning. I wanted surgery, I wanted clean beds with beautiful Egyptian nurses knife fighting for me (I can’t remember that movie-Brandon Frasier???), good food, and as much juice as I could drink, all for freeeeeeee! As we were walking to her desk she said that she had had it as well and it is very painful, veeeerry painful. I still didn’t know what it was and just kept watching her write and shaking her head how painful it is and how I lasted this long. Finally, as she was ready to kick me out, I just asked her what it was, and she said “Herpes Zoster.” She had written it on the pad and when I double checked what I had heard, it clicked, she was saying that I had Herpes. H-E-R-P-E-S. Then it clicked she told me that she had it too. Then I thought, ‘You dirty filthy whore’ were touching me, all 60 years old of you, you , you, dirty fithy whore’. Then I started thinking wait a minute, I have Herpes, I am a ‘Dirty filthy whore’. Then I started thinking more, who gave me herpes the ‘dirty filthy whore.’ With that she escorted me out of the room and told me to make an appointment for the following week. I was stunned as I walked out of the hospital, ‘I’m a dirty filthy whore.’

From there it was off to the pharmacy to pick up the ‘dirty filthy whore’ drug cocktail. I was still pretty shocked at the whole idea of picking up Herpes so I went to an internet cafe to look it up. Weeeelllllll, if a ten year old kid picking up Chicken Pox is a ‘dirty filthy whore’, then that is me. I will give you a breakdown of what this Herpes Zoster is. Basically, it is old people Chicken pox, or the same Chicken pox, just coming back. When you get Chicken pox, you go through the symptoms, but it actually never goes away. It lies dormant in your nerve tracts coming from your spine. Something re-activates it (nothing dirty filthy whorish), and then it causes a painful (neuralgia). It basically only affects the one trunk of nerves so the rash is contained to one side of your body and one long stripe from spine to center chest. One guy described it as “the band of roses from hell.” It is contagious up to the point of possibly giving Chicken pox to someone who has not had it. Right now I am up to the point where the rash is crusting over but the pain is still there although it has lessened. Sometimes the pain can go on for years and be incompassitating.

You can read some of the info yourself.

So, to the relief of everybody, I am not a ‘dirty filthy whore’, and really catching Herpes is fairly common and doesn’t necessarily involve anything ‘dirty’, so in this context I use it strictly for a more impactful read.

I still hurt, that is why the lack of blogging, but I think I am over the hill and can get caught up shortly.

Man, just like a love story, the roller coaster of emotions…….

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-636 responses to “Welcome to Egypt: I’ve got Herpes.”

  1. Snarky says:

    dude, you have shingles. NO one calls that herpes regardless of the technical name. I had it when I was 12 which is really young for shingles but nonetheless I had it, no monkey-business involved — it was well before monkey-business days for me… It is super common. No need to lower your marriagiability quotient.

  2. […] The next day we did as planned. Took the public bus out to Giza which is the part of Cairo that bumps right up to one side of the Pyramids. We did the whole walk around the three major Pyramids, visited some tombs, voted that the Sphynx was not as big as we imagined, I brutalized a taxi driver and got a good deal on the fare, visited, Saqquara and Memphis sites, and then bussed it back to the hostel. All in all not a bad day especially since by bow my Herpes were raging and I thought that some little monster was going to erupt out of my side, take a look around, and then take off running into a whole in the wall. Later we would have to hunt it down with flame throwers and kill its babies. Something like that. No, but really, I was hurting. Herpes story here. […]

  3. Marisa says:

    Good old shingles. My mother had it when she was 75. You’re lucky you received drugs. Most of the stuff that really worked in easing the pain have been taken off the market here in the states so one only gets sympathy.

    It can be triggered by stress. But since you’re in an oasis on vacation, that’s not the reason, right?

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